Happy Birthday Meg

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Happy Birthday Meg!


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    The car lost control, I could feel the earth move underneath me. All I saw was bright head lights. The idiot left his high-beams on.  And the glass shattering was ilumited and I glanced over to see her bloody and lifeless.

    I awoke in a sweat. My sheets were socked yet again. I had to stop having this nightmare. I glanced at the empty mug that once held warm milk.
    Scratch that off the list. I had tried everything in the last couple of nights The Guide To A Good Nights Sleep was a staple that I lived by lately. Nothing worked.
    I was trying to get out of the habit of chemical endued sleep. But I could not close my eyes and not see it. There was so much of that night I wanted to forget. For the umpteenth time, since the accident I got up in the middle of the night, I glanced at the bright red digital numbers of the clock I pulled out of the garage a week ago. I could not stand the bright blue light of my i-pod dock, they added to the dreams. The clock read 3:28 am. Could I pretend to sleep for another three hours until I was aloud out of my room.
    My parents thought it was best if I didn’t wonder the house until at least 6:30. Then I would go for a run. Something I didn’t do before, but I needed something to do. I wasn’t sleeping, I couldn’t focus on anything. Running helped, or at least it gave me a place where I didn’t have the looks, where I could just think.
    School was horrible. The looks, I wish looks could kill. At  least I had Owen, and Ren  they were the only ones that mattered now. 
    Just thinking about school in the morning, made me tired.
    I wonder if I could get to sleep now.
    I need too sleep sometimes. I can’t depend chemicals, I can’t live my life in a drug depended haze.
    It’s been two weeks. I’ve been at school one day and nobody expected me back so soon, but I had to start living, Jade wouldn't want me to not stop because of her. I wished it was that simple: She wants me to move on, I will move on. If life was like that, then there wouldn’t be a reason for it. Death hurts, pain breads with dispart.
    I rolled out of bed. 4:02 am. Wonderful I’ve been thinking for thirty whole minutes. I grabbed my empty milk mug and walked into the kitchen. Flicked on the light, and as the light burned my eyes I decided it was too bright, I flicked it off and placed my mug in the sink.
    I felt the ridge of the counter, cold marble.
    Only the best of the best. 
    I pressed myself to the ridge, and slide downwards until I was on the floor. And I just sat there. Breathing waiting for time to pass.
    Hours passed, night turned into morning. I sat there thinking of nothing.
    “Jesus-Christ! Scar! What are you doing!” My mother screamed as she saw me. Her hands rose to her chest as she tried to slow her heart rate.
    There was a point not too long ago that that profanity would not of had a name attached to it, she wouldn't know which one of it it was.
    “What’s wrong.” My fathers voice called from the bedroom.
    “Scar’s laying on the floor. Go back to bed.”
    That didn’t work, I heard his foots steps from afar.
    Shit. I thought noting like a morning of drink your o.j and eat your eggs. With a side of get some sleep tomorrow, You have to stop this at some point.
    “Really I am fine, I am just going to go for a run, and then I’ll eat and shower, before school. Be back in a hour.”
    “You’ll be late.” My father said from afar.
    “Not like they’ll care.” I say, as I started out of the kitchen and headed back into my room. I shut the door and changed into shorts and a baggy tee. My runners were at the door.
    I brushed passed my parents, mom was at the coffee maker, and dad was in the fridge looking for something, which I never understood, everything has its place in this family. Rooms were spick and span, everything went back where it came from in the fridge. What could he possibly be looking for. 
    It didn’t matter, I was lacing up my shoes and then I was out of here.
   
    I ran. Running was what I did nowadays. Pushing myself. Not thinking, just putting one foot in front of the other. Pushing myself, I could feel my heart beating, and there was nothing better then feeling the blood pumped through your veins.
    Running hurt, and it was of the only highs I aloud myself. I ran at least twice a day since Jade. It’s the only reason I got any sleep for the past couple nights after stopping taking the pills.
    Breath in. Breath out. Think about that.  I thought as I pushed myself, not thinking about Jade, or how heart broken I’ll be when I forget she gone for a moment, and then it all comes rushing back to me. 
    Running was the only moments of the day where I knew she was gone, and yet she was right beside me.
    I was done my run, and I was walking through the door, and my dad was there.
    “You made good time, how far did you go?” He asked, his concern was touching, as fake as it was.
    “My normal ten.” I said plainly, as I unlaced my shoes.  I ran ten k twice a day, I was getting faster, I was going to have to add more to it.
    “You should try out for the track team, I am sure they need someone like you.”
    “I got to hop in the shower, I’m going to be late if I don’t.”
    “Think about it.”
    “Will do.” I brushed passed him and headed to the bathroom.
    I closed the door to the bathroom, and striped off my tee shirt and my shorts, then I ducked into the shower, I turned the water on cool first, my mussels tensed as they embraced the cold.
    After a moment I cranked the heat the temperature changed without transition and it burned. The burned felt good, it was real. After I adjusted the water to a livable amount of heat. I quickly washed my hair, scrubbing hard at the scalp. I rinsed and repeated with conditioner. There was a hair elastic that I kept in the shower, I tied back my hair and picked up the loofa, I poured body wash, that smelled of Jade, and explicated the dead skin off my body. The smell of Jade sent me back to the days when she was alive and thriving. I dropped the loofa and picked up my tooth brush and tooth paste, and brushed my teeth. Adjusting the water one more time, so it was hot for my final rinse. I placed the tooth brush back in its cup and emerged myself under the shower head. Clean at last. I though as I turned off the water and wrapped myself in my robe. 

    I got dressed, I wore the uniform, that I wore every day to school. My too short kilt, and a blouse that had the top button blown out, I grabbed a pull-over-sweater from the back of my door, and my bag from the end of my bed, and I walked to the door and slipped on a pair of flats and left go catch the bus. 
    Dad said I would be late, it was six-thirty am then, now its seven. Bus was at seven thirty, I would of had plenty of time, I didn’t have to look at a clock to know I was early. Same people left at the same times every day for work. I say a red car dive by and I knew I have at least five minutes to spare. 
    I walked to the edge of the drive way and sat on the cold icy pavement until I saw the bus, turn the corner.
    I stood up and boarded the bus. And the stares started. First from the bus driver, next from the students. I pulled into the first empty seat I could find and I sat, staring out at the window.
    I heard a chores of whispers from all around me. I pressed my head against the window and started to count down from one hundred.
    Ninety-nine, ninety-eight ninety-seven. . .

    Some where around the fifties, I felt a body next to mine. I felt hands over mine. I knew without looking that it was Ren. I moved myself from the window and put my head into his chest, and breathed in his rich, scent.
    “I love you.” He whispered into my ear, it was void of any and all emotion and it made everything better. Moments passed. And everything was perfect.
    “If only we could pretend forever.” I said after the bus came to final stop. And everyone started to unload the bus, I raised my fingers to the necklace he had around his neck. A peice of jade, Jade had gotten him.
    “Time to face the world.” He said, as he laced his fingers through mine as he pulled my hand from his neck.
    We were the last ones of the bus, and as we were almost at the exit our fingers unlaced, and we parted, in silence and the words spoken between us, were no longer there.
    As we stepped off the bus, Owen met us. He nodded at Ren, and then he took me into his embrace, and we kissed for a moment.
    The kiss that said, hi and I missed you and I am madly in love with you. “How was your night?” he asked
    “The same as the last and the night before that.”
    I had my morning memorized, nothing had really changed in the last three days. Four days ago when this all started it was different, but now. I had fallen into a numb shell, that just followed a pattern.    
    I wondered how long I could get by on the same questions and give nothing new in return.
    Owen wrapped his arm around me and we walked into the school. Ready to face the stares.
    “I love you.” He whispered, and it didn’t feel numb like Ren’s it was alive with passion. And I felt nothing. I looked at Ren who was walking behind us. He looked as hurt as I felt.
    I was seriously sick, this was not healthy.




    I walked into the classroom, Owen detached from my hip to let me through the door way first. And Ren trailed behind us, head hung like a loyal dog, who was just yelled at for eating off the dinner table.
    We were late, of course, I couldn’t stand the stare from people, so we hid away from the populist until the second bell rang, and then we branched off into classrooms.
    “Glad you could join us Ja---” Mr. Rethon stumbled after catching himself “Scarlet.” His face was somber with remorse.
    “S’okay, you got us mixed up before, why should now be any different. Hell I even get us mixed up, I’m sure there was pictures of me in her memorial.” I only half joked.
    “Okay, well take your seats and we shall get on with todays lesson.”
    We sat, our spots were together near the middle of the classroom. There was a row of four  empty seats spread across the middle. After we took our seats The was an empty seat beside us that once was that was Jade’s. I was in the middle of the guys. As if it was my purgatory. I was starting to believe I died in the car crash too, and this is just hell.
    I can not have feelings for Ren. I can not abandon Owen. I can not betray Jade more then I already had.  Only a devil could plot this out, put me through this emotional turmoil.
   
    “Today we are going to look at Christopher Columbus. What do you guys know about him?”
    “He discovered North America.” One girl in the back spoke up.    
    “Wrong.” I said without thinking.
    “Excuseme?” the girl said as if I had just shattered her world.
    “And the earth is flat too? Haven’t you seen the Magic Voyage? South America, or The America’s  and maybe part of Mexico. Where do you think we got Columbia?”
    I waited for the “And there talking worms too.” remark from Jade. Which never came. The Magic Voyage was a beloved kids movie, about Christopher Columbus.
    “I remember that movie. Wicked when your high.” A stoner kid mumbled from behind.
    “Very good, Scar, but I would of been happier if that came from the text book I gave you, not a movie.” Mr. R said.
    I had spent the last two weeks in silences, and I didn’t know how to process, things, I don’t know how to talk by myself. All my life I had Jade beside me, and now I didn’t.
    “Sure, yep, just a kids movie, that sparked my love of history.”  I had a rant in my head, about how kids movies were great, and how nessacary it was.
    “That’s all?” Mr. R asked as if expecting more.  When I said nothing he started. “So what do we know about Columbus?”
    “He was a god?”  The stoner kid in the back row spoke up.
    “He discovered South America.” A kid from the middle spoke up.
    “Not North.” Another kid spoke up, almost to torment the girl that said north earlier.
    “What am I doing here.” I thought, as I got stairs from the crowed I relized that it was aloud.
    “Keeping me sane and crazy all at once?” Mr. R said.
    “I can’t I need to think. And I can sit here and listen to facts about Columbus and Cortez, killing Millions of people.”
    “Spoilers not everyone has read the book. River.” Mr. R said.
    “I need to think.” I said again as I got up  and Ren and Owen stood. “You two stay, you need this. And I cant think with you around.”  I grabbed my bag and left the room.
    “Scar!” Owen yelled in a whisper at me.
    “Your other half didn’t die. You didn’t just sum up Columbus and Cortez and kids movies  to and by yourself when your use to having two sides to this, you didn’t have to say things that you never though you would say because she wasn’t there to finish your thought. Do you have any idea when the last time I had a chance to finish a though in this class room, or a history class? I’m gone. Mr. R I’ll see you at the exam.” I said and walked out. Breathing was becoming an issue, my eyes were starting to burn with the salt rimming the edge like a lime margarita that was about to over flow.  I bursted into the bathroom.
    I stared in to the mirror and I didn’t see myself I saw her.
    Her brown hair, her green eyes her chest, her neck line, her ears. I mean they are mine too, but all I see is her reflected back at me.
    I turned on the tap, and splashed my face with the cold water. I felt the world shift behind me.
    I run my hand over the cool mirror, and I feel a rush from my spine a shiver that is rooted in so much. I remember the wake.

~*~ 

    I shut my door and burst into tears. How could she of said that, how could she of told me that I had to get over it, because I was alive and she wasn’t. My mother was clinging to the fact that I was alive, and she didn’t lose both of us.
     I flung myself on to Jade’s bed, only to land on someone. I screamed, mid sob. My voice was raw, so much pain so much anger in the last couple days.
    It was Ren. “What the heck are you doing here?” I asked him. Not wanting to know why he was on her bed.
    “I’m here for the wake.” He replied, there was little emotions in his voice.
    “Which is great, if it wasn’t basically over, or in the living room. What are you doing in ou-my room?” I just laid there beside him. Not wanting to move.
    “Same thing you were doing jumping into J’s bed. Trying to be close to her.”
    “We don’t ---” I started but I was cut of by his words. 
    “Your so much like her.” He whispered into my hair. As he put his arm around me. He was holding her.
    Not me. It was always going to be her.
    And then we kissed. Simple as that. I wasn’t me, I was her. Her thoughts were running through my head, no concern for my life. If it was me, there would be a thousand thoughts behind this simple action. Jade just turned it all off, like a switch for a light blub, one moment it was on, and then with a little tap it was off once again consumed by darkness.
    And in kissing Ren, I was Jade. She wasn’t dead. She was pulsing through me, as live as ever.

~*~

    I debated hitting the mirror. But it would only solve right nows problems, and I didn’t need a quick fix.
    Kissing Ren was a quick fix.
    Running was a quick fix.
    Punching her would just root larger problems. 
    But it would help. I smacked my hand over her face, open handed, covering it, holding it. She’s still with me when I’m alone, I can hold her, I can see her. I can always hear her.
    But I need to move on, need to be able to see myself and not see her. I had scissor in my bag, I died my hair back with two hair elastics and cut just above the top one. A blunt cut, I had been thinking about doing this for a while, I couldn’t look at her anymore every time I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t keep having the same conversations we would have together with her haft muted in my head.
    I held my break as cut the hair. Its a weird feeling when you just cut your hair off with a blunt cut, its like losing a limb. I know that’s far out, but its part of you and it feels like its slowly coming of piece by piece. After it was done my hair fell into my face. My Face it was mine.
    And now its time to face the rest of history class.